Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I'm Not Sure How I Feel

My boyfriend who I would like to now refer to as B is looking for a job. He has been laid off of his job for 6 months now. He has been applying and looking for pretty much anything but let's face it there isn't much out there right now.

It has been extremely hard on him. He has been getting more and more depressed every week and seems to be getting angrier each day from his frustration.

Recently he has been looking up things on the military. He met with the Air Force last week and this week he met with the Army. He hated things in the Air Force but he loved what was offered with the Army. Granted he doesn't want to be in the infantry area where you are the front lines but he would like to either be fixing things on a base or something else.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of this. It looks like 90% chance that B is going to enlist. We have talked about it numerous times since he brought up the idea to me. He says that no matter what we will be together that this would ensure a better life for us in the future, he could feel like he is really doing something, and he would be proud of a job that he is doing.

While I want him to be happy doing something he loves or even likes I don't want him going into the military, fighting in another country. I wish that he would choose a job or find one that had normal hours M-F 8-5. All career paths he has been interested in have been "high risk" and haven't been normal hours or days.

I was able to handle him testing for Police Officers jobs but I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. At least with a police officer job he would come home every night and I know he would be alright. I could talk to him on the phone when I wanted to and for the most part see him when I wanted to. I'm not saying that the police officer job would rest me from worrying. Let's face it bad things happen there too.

I'm just really uneasy about the military. He's thinking about doing the Army Reserves which would put him closer to home when he wasn't serving and such but right now all reserves are fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan. My ex-boyfriend was in the military but got hurt and had to leave early, his best friends were serving in Iraq when I met him. When they came home they were completely different than they were before and actually had to go on another tour 8 months after they had come home. I've heard the horror stories from them and from some of B's friends who have served.

I'm just so scared about the unknown. How will I know he's safe? How will I know anything? I won't have the luxury to talk to him whenever I want and I won't get to see him. How will I cope with the drastic change? I'm so unsure, and I'm so scared that I might lose him. I don't' want him to change either. He's the most caring, wonderful man I know and well I'm scared the army is going to break him down and he'll change. Meaning we'll change down the road.

This is a huge decision one that he is going to have to make a some point or another. In a few nights we are going to go over the paperwork and look at it together and I think then he'll decided what he wants to do. I will support him no matter what.

I never imagined myself being an "army girlfriend". I never imagined that life and now that I'm facing the possibility I'm not sure how you deal with it. How do you deal with all the uncertainties?

I guess my post is about the very real nervousness of this whole thing. I wanted to put out what was going on and perhaps if anyone has insight, comments, encouragement for me they can provide it. Right now I need all the help I can get so I can be happy for him with whatever he does and know everything will be alright.